Umm well I am not exactly sure were to start with this blog, I nearly wasn’t going to be writing one ever again. I was so fed up and in bits with the whole fertility/IVF/Pregnancy games that I had lost all hope. Some of our friends on twitter will already know that early in the hours on Wednesday morning (2am) I was woken by a scream from the bathroom so bad. I knew straight away what it meant jumped up and rushed to find Liz sobbing as she had found a very bad bleed. We were so happy almost getting to the point of thinking of telling work colleagues etc what had happened. We were over 10 weeks pregnant and getting so close to hitting the 12 week mark. We had no reason to worry as everything had been going so well, Liz had been very tired and poorly in the mornings but nothing to worry us about the pregnancy. Then in an instant the whole world seemed to come crashing down around us.

We sat up from 2am desperately looking on the Internet for information on heavy bleeding (bright red). We did find some glimpses of hope and people on twitter had some positive thoughts for us which helped. It was a very anxious wait to get to the doctors first thing. By this time the bleeding had eased up and Liz still had no pain. However we had really started to lose hope, you see we have already had 2 miscarriages before. 1 between our 2 sons and on after our youngest. We have been down this road before, rushing to doctors and arranging scans. These rooms are filled with horrible memory’s of Nurses and doctors telling us our babies have died. Nothing positive has ever happened when we have had this before. We had shed a few tears during the night and talked through all sorts of possibilities. Could it be due to the progesterone tablets stopping or because of the IVF in general or was it because our baby had died.

Anyone who has suffered fertility and pregnancy problems will appreciate all of the above. The anxiety around all of it is immense, we have been under increadible stress for over 6 months now and more long term 9 years! We have scrimped and saved the money to pay for our treatment, tried in vain to get pregnant naturally and the horrible feeling each month when you fail. We have started IVF treatment and gone through the drugs, the waiting, the indignity of some of the procedures, the happiness at getting pregnant, the worry of reaching each milestone along the way. Each time followed by moments of immense joy when you get good news. Just a week or 2 ago we had been on cloud nine to see our baby growing with a heartbeat at 8 weeks.

As we waited at the hospital to see the scan we almost ran out. Thinking if we didn’t see it had died we could pretend just a bit longer we were going to have a baby. We had dared to look in baby magazines and shops dreaming of all the wonderful things we need to get for our new arrival. Happiness surging through our veins, it was beautiful. After all we had been waiting years to get to this point. Why not enjoy it! We didn’t run and we waited patiently to be seen, I must just say the hospital was so good! I know the NHS get grief but we were seen so quickly and by such kind informative supportive staff. I think the nurses knew we had lost hope, they said not give up just yet and that a lot of ladies do bleed a lot. The only time Liz has ever bleed is when we have lost babies so we doubted it.

Anyways our names got called and we marched off in almost in tears. The lady who performed the scan said she might be a while taking a look and not to worry if she didn’t say anything for a minute or two. We have heard all this before and was almost zombie like to events around us. Then something amazing happened she said here is your baby wriggling about a bit but it looks perfect complete with heartbeat and snug as a bug! I didn’t really take it in, I had to take a double take. Liz was in tears of joy this time, we didn’t care what the bleed was about at that moment in time our baby was alive! We had sat in that room to devastating news before, this just wasn’t normal. I think for a few hours we sat in total shock at home, the nurses had said they cant really explain the bleeding and it might last a few more days and return on and off.

Its a few days since now and Liz still has some light bleeding but no pain and the nurses say it is just the original bleed running its course. For the moment we are just taking it a day at a time, we don’t have another scan for a couple of weeks and we just want to make that so much. This little baby is already just as much as trouble as our two little guys here already! We are relieved but also so worried again. We had talked during that night about starting all over again on IVF and if we could do it. In that moment we didn’t really think we could. The immense stress of all of it is huge and added to years of fertility struggles is even worse. We would have to move on in our lives with the family we have now. Its not that our two boys are not enough, they are amazing and we are blessed to have them. We  appreciate that fact already. But we had our eldest at 17 years old, we had to bring him up in basic circumstances. We worked our socks off to be the family that we are and after a miscarriage we were blessed with our youngest. Again we were only 20 and as time went on we wanted to have more babies and grow our family as we had matured. We now had the house and financial security to do things how we wanted, not how we had to. It was a case of managing as best we could before, not that we are complaining, those were great times! We don’t want to seem selfish in wanting more children, it is just something we all want to do so much and have done for a long long time. Even every pregnancy has been a struggle, our eldest was very premature and almost died, he had pneumonia and respiratory problems on birth. He was in hospital for a long time after a C section birth and pulled through. Then our youngest was over due and had a few problems. Thank god we had these guys young in our lives or I don’t know what we would do. It was hard at the time but obviously that was the path that had been chosen for us. I just hope this little bubba is also part of our path. I really really really hope this little bubba comes along nicely and without troubles. However in the cold light of day we just want them hear with us. We can look back in a years time and say you know what that was hell but it was all worth it! Because at the end of the day it is

But to everyone out there who is pregnant, struggling to get pregnant, been pregnant, having IVF, miscarried, etc it is horrible at times but also wonderful and we feel both your joy and pain. I hope you all get the lucky breaks we seem to have gotten this time.

Well this is probably the longest most rambled blog I have written hope it might offer others some hope in times of worry. Hopefully the next blog I write will be on a succesful and happy 12 week scan. Liz is currently on enforced bed rest, not by the doctors or hospital but by me and the boys! We are not letting her out of our sight!

Max